The surmountable trials of Lady Ghana


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Pick-me-up advice to Ghanaian men

Dear Ghanaian men,

You love foreign women, and you certainly cannot be accused of shyness. Here are a few tips that will guarantee your success when chatting up foreign women.

First it is important that you take special care in your personal grooming. Adopt a cool dreadlocks style and wear extra large sunglasses. When you see women walking down the street, hail at them something like “Hallo sista. Lookin’ good t’day, ooo?”. Repeat it each time you see them so that they will know that you really care about them.

Mention their body parts. If possible, back up with ample gestures. Use expressions like “big bottom” while ogling them – it will boost their self-esteem and they will enjoy being reminded that years of heat combined with a lack of exercise have acquired them traditional African curves.

If they innocently greet you while passing you by, do not under any circumstance beat around the bush. Instead politely strike a conversation by saying “Ah. Nice breasts. You have nice breasts”. Avoid eye contact at all costs and stare at the said breasts while shaking your head to show your appreciation. God forbid that you would say or tolerate someone else say such rude things to your female Ghanaian friend, but foreign women love to be harangued that way.

Come up with a sexy profession, such as artist or photographer. Tell them how you have been suffering for your art to be internationally recognized but that unfortunately you lack the financial means to make it happen. Insist that women are your true inspiration and that is why all your paintings depict (again) voluminous curves, female genital parts and couples having intercourse. They will want to help by buying one of your paintings and will display it proudly in their living room to show it to their female guests.

And be spiritual. Foreign women want to hear that God has revealed you that you were destined to marry a foreigner. He will eventually speak to them in a dream as well. At the very least, he will convince them of your crucial need of a flat screen TV or of sponsorship for a visa to their country.

Do not be deterred by the presence of other men when trying to pick up foreign women. If you think they might be having a drink with their boyfriend, or listening to some live concert with their husband, it is an appropriate time to make a move. Walk straight to them and assuming that they will happily oblige, pull them to the dance floor and woo them with your dancing savoir-faire while their man will be left staring incredulously. Better still, if you are a customs official and you see a couple, married from the look of their passports, trying to enter your country, ask the foreign woman to show you her boarding pass and while her husband is watching, write your mobile phone number at the back and invite her to “call you” with a broad smile.

Above all, never lose hope. Should you regularly get shut down, assume that foreign women regularly enjoy being annoyed. Who knows, one day these efforts of yours may finally pay off.

Yours sincerely,

Lady Ghana

cool ghana dude  cool ghana dude2

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God’s marketing

The only positive thing about traffic in and out of Accra is that it gives you plenty of time to admire billboards and shop signs along the road. And some of them are indeed spectacular.

Now Ghana is a very religious place, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that most signs have a spiritual (if not biblical) content. At the very least, your business should be blessed and anointed in the oil of holy deliverance. And, sister, you don’t just own a small home appliances shop – you run God’s power house.

Here is a selection of my favourites, captured just outside Accra, in a place called Budumburam (reminds me of something…).

This looks very promising. But I wonder about the pastor’s name?

You can’t go wrong with an anointed square pipe, right?

Open the door to your heart

Do not check while driving

A very special school

That’s faith for you. But should you need more of it:

By the way, I would like to thank you all very much for your kind comments, concerns and encouragement  following my previous post. It means a lot. Thank you x


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A low kind of day

I have hardly been here two months that it’s already started: I get annoyed. I am irritated at our house maid who comes in two hours late and starts her working day by sitting at our dinner table to eat her spaghettis using our plates and crockery. I repress a silent curse when an incompetent receptionist keeps me waiting while finishing reading her friend’s status on Facebook (and then goes on commenting on it), all this in front of me and without shame. The word “idiot” slips off my mouth too quickly when I’m driving.

Yet life hasn’t been so bad. For the first time in years of moving out to new countries, I almost immediately found a job to keep me busy until Christmas. Our heavy baggage has arrived in one piece and our house now looks cosy and familiar. And the sun shines EVERY DAY.

But comes the evening, anxiety starts. I don’t look forward to tomorrow. I feel lonely, uninspired and tearful, and I wake up with a heavy heart. I know the symptoms for it’s happened before – I think I’m going through a phase of slight depression. And it’s got nothing to do with Ghana, rather with new beginnings.  I am simply not good at it. I need to feel settled, to have a purpose, to know people and to be known. It’s not about getting invited to a party on a Friday night, but the comfort of having a few people with whom you don’t have to try, people who get you.

I promise the next post will be more cheerful, but for now let me be plain honest with you: I don’t like it here. I guess the first step is to accept how I feel and make some small changes, among which:

1. stop taking Lariam, those pesky anti-malaria tablets that have been known for causing depression as a side-effect;

2. read something inspiring, like Mister Pip, by Lloyd Jones;

3. look at something beautiful, like those tiny red flowers, sole survivors of our feeble gardening efforts;

4. drink some Rwandan coffee, freshly brewed in my French press;

5. pray and hold on the hope that God knows what he is doing with us here.

And be patient rather than resigned.